Brian says he misses me after a day at work and a home busy with baby care. I miss me too. But I'm not even sure who I was that I'm missing. I miss not feeling totally exhausted. I miss being able to just get up and go straight to a yoga class or a massage studio or something of the sort when my body is screaming at me so loudly that I just can't ignore it anymore. I miss not feeling some unexplained sadness as soon as Brian is home from his day. I think it's just exhaustion and a desire to unload my burden somewhere. But none of those things are me. My essence doesn't lie there. So why do I still feel as though there is a me that I'm missing? I guess I miss “me” because I don't feel like “me.” Who do I feel like? What did I feel like before? What is it that's missing. I guess I miss the person who spent time taking care of me instead of the one who spends all her time taking care of a little baby. Even though I don't have as much time for myself, I still am myself, right? And if that's the case who is that? I guess I don't recognize who I am right now. I feel as though I've been reduced to the pain in my body and the warmth of Sequoia's smiles and coos. I guess I'm a little depressed. I feel bad for feeling that way. It's not that my baby isn't amazing and beautiful and bringing me such joy, because she is and she does! But she's my everything right now.
Does this sound a little over dramatic? Maybe that's because I'm taking my first planned away time from Sequoia and I feel so run down. My body is achy and my throat and neck hurt and I think I may be coming down with something :(. I wish so much that I could just go somewhere and sleep for 8 hours, but even if someone offered to relieve me of my duties for that long, I couldn't stand being away from SR! It's a vicious cycle.
I was committed to leaving SR and the house for a couple of hours tonight, knowing that this is a form of self care! I need to take breaks for myself. Brian and I have decided that to begin with I take a couple hours at least once a week to myself. Maybe then I'll be able to feel as though I haven't lost myself. Maybe over time I'll return to myself. And over time, we can increase my time away. I wish that the only thing I wanted to do wasn't sleep. I know it'll go by too quickly and feel unsatisfying, but my whole being just wants it right now :(. I think I'm gonna leave this coffee shop shortly and sleep. It won't be as satisfying as I want it to be, but I think it actually might help.
I hate being depressed and even more I hate admitting it. I feel the need to clarify that it's not an all pervasive feeling. If you could take a slice from my day at any random moment you may find me basking in SR's sweet breath as she sleeps and cuddles on my shoulder; I might be completely present and soaking in the details of her precious face or I might be lost in conversations of playful gurgles and coos.
The sabotaging nature of depression is that it encourages behaviors that encourage continued depression. It makes it difficult for me to do self-care, to reach out to others, or to change up my pattern. This in turn keeps me feeling uninspired and lonely, making it difficult for me to do any of those previously mentioned actions which would actually help lift the depression. Ironic huh? I think that's why we need our partners, so they can push us out of the depression comfort zone and can encourage us to take actions that will shift things.
So here I am processing my feelings and starting to feel better and starting to feel more inspired to take small actions to feel even better! With that in mind, I think the most powerful thing I can do for myself right now is to go home, take a hot shower and sleep for as long as I can... and to appreciate it, no matter how small a moment it might be.
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